Facing It.....Running From Fear...And Into It

"Fear Kills Dreams" 

"I Love the Mountains. I love racing. So why does it feel so hard to get out there right now?

Running from Fear…..And Into It…

Let me tell you something that might surprise you.

I love the wilderness. I love the long, remote runs where it’s just me, sometimes with a friend, the trail and the silence. But lately, I’ve been struggling to get out…Not because I don’t care anymore, but because I do, maybe too much.

Here’s the truth: 

I think I am afraid.

Afraid of failing.

Afraid of the effort I need to put into the run, the race or the training. 

Afraid of DNFing after months of hard work. .

Afraid of signing up for something epic, only to have my body betray me, like it did at Tahoe 200 when I struggled to breathe after a year plus of training….and Sinister 7 when I fell and could not continue. Both these were completely out of my control. I did push through at Tahoe 200 and had no thought about DNFing. But at Sinister I asked myself “Are you ok with stopping? Can you cope with this decision?" 

My answer was yes. 

But I wasn’t happy about my decision. I regretted it completely the minute I gave in my bib, even though I knew I could have caused considerable damage to my achilles if I had continued.  

That memory lives in my muscles, not just my mind. And the fear it has left behind? It’s sneaky. It shows up as resentment toward long runs. I am not sure what it whispers but possibly something like..“What’s the point?” And even though I know I love the training, the mountains, the process……fear makes it all feel heavier than it should.

So why don’t I stop? No one is forcing me to do this. 

I don’t want to stop because I really do love it. I do love the whole process. I love the backcountry. I love the training. I love doing hard stuff. I love the feeling when you finish. I love the challenges training and racing throws at you.

So this isn’t a motivational email telling you to “just do it” or crush your limits. Honestly, I’m not interested in pretending fear isn’t there.

What I am interested in is noticing it. Naming it. Understanding that fear is a natural part of anything that deeply matters to us.

If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be afraid.

If I didn’t love this sport, these places and these goals I set myself, I wouldn’t feel so much pressure around them.

So the work I need to do is not to banish the fear. It’s to move forward with it and be compassionate for the part of me that’s scared. 

To sign up, knowing I might fail. 

To train, knowing it might not go perfectly.

To do the long runs not because I’m fearless, but because I’m ready to feel it all again. And when I am out there, I really do love it. I love everything about the long run and races. The places you go not only physically but mentally. 

I don’t have it all figured out. And I’m still processing this because I have only just worked this out. I am drawn to the wilderness, the backcountry and the challenges of long races. I love being in nature, it is my happy place. But I am still understanding what it means for me to have this fear there and not “run” away from it.

So if you’ve felt this way too, I am just saying you’re not alone. 

I really understand.

And naming it is a powerful first step.

Reply to me if you feel like sharing.

I am listening.

Happy Trails.